


it's not a cry that you hear at night

by mysilenceknot



Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Complicated Relationships, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-04
Updated: 2017-08-04
Packaged: 2018-12-11 04:13:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11706588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mysilenceknot/pseuds/mysilenceknot
Summary: The fall, the lift, the complicated dynamics of Iris and Cisco in a life post-Barry.





	it's not a cry that you hear at night

**Author's Note:**

> A sequel to [be the one to hold my heart](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11681508). I have no idea why I immediately started writing this as a follow up to my other work literally hours after I published it but? This is really not a happy story.  
> Title comes from [Hallelujah](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRP8d7hhpoQ) but specifically the Pentatonix version.

All Iris would have to do is ask for a kiss and Cisco would melt into putty. There was a way she’d look at him, as if he was the only thing she could hold onto in this world anymore. They were in this weird boat together and yes, everyone else was struggling too but. No one else but Iris had been in love with Barry. No one else had kissed Barry or fucked Barry or opened their hearts to Barry in the same way he and Iris had.

He wasn’t powerless against her, that wouldn’t be a fair assumption to make. They both knew that in a second if one party was feeling weird it was done. But when Iris asked him to touch her, he had to check in with her once again.

Yes, she was sure.

No, she wasn’t hurting herself.

Yes, she genuinely wanted him.

The first time they had sex was on a Saturday afternoon after they’d spent hours watching musicals and Iris turned off the tv to climb into Cisco’s lap. There hadn’t been that much under the clothes touching, mostly grinding and kissing and rubbing until they both came undone. When they had both calmed down, Iris laughed. Again.

(“Why do you always laugh?”

“Because laughing makes me feel alive.”)

It wasn’t a regular thing, the kissing or the sex. More often than not they’d spend time together doing distraction activities -- puzzles, card games, weird art projects that Cisco had discovered actually helped calm the mind back when he was in a treatment program. Sometimes it’d turn into making out from there, but it usually was just a quiet night in.

The first time Cisco initiated a kiss without being asked to he went in slowly, oh so slowly. Iris turned and smiled at him but he wanted to give her enough time to turn away or put her hand in between their faces. But she didn’t. She leaned in and they kissed, softly, tenderly. It didn’t lead to anything more, but it was nice to kiss Iris before they went to face the world with metahumans but no Flash.

 

* * *

“Hey,” Cisco said when Iris laid back down next to him.

“Hmm?”

“You can sleep here if you want.”

He watched the panic rush over her face and he almost regretted asking. But they were doing everything together at this point other than sharing a bed.

“I can’t,” she said, and Cisco nodded his head.

“That’s okay, no pressure.” He rolled off the bed to grab his boxers, but when Iris sat silent behind him he knew he needed to check in with her again.

“Iris?”

“I’m okay,” she said, as she always said about everything and it was infuriating sometimes and he considered getting her a shirt that just said I’M FINE because she was already always fucking lying to everyone’s faces and it would just save everyone the time and energy spent on listening to the obvious lie. Cisco bit his tongue and picked up his shirt from the floor. He was gonna have to shower but that wasn’t gonna happen while Iris was still on the bed. “I want to say yes, but… Barry.” It was the first time in weeks where she dared to speak that name out loud. Cisco turned around to see Iris looking down at the bed, fiddling with the sheets with one hand.

“What about Barry?”

Iris stared at the sheets as Cisco waited to see if she’d bother completing her thought. “I feel like I’d be betraying him. I want to say yes but I don’t want to betray him, you know?”

It hurt. That hurt. Cisco blinked and tried to understand what she was trying to say. Wasn’t what they were doing the opposite of betrayal? His two lovers finding comfort despite his absence and trying to keep each other afloat?”

“Okay,” he responded. “Okay, I get if you don’t want to sleep in here but I’ve gotta say I don’t know if we should be doing this anymore if you’re feeling conflicted.”

“No!” Iris looked up from the bed to stare him in the eye. “I’m not feeling conflicted. I don’t think what we’re doing is wrong, that’s not what I mean. I --” and at this her voice choked up “-- I want there to be one thing. Just one thing. I feel like sleeping in your bed would be like you sleeping in my bed and that’s a type of vulnerability we both had with him but. It’s different with us.”

What she was saying almost made sense to him. Almost. So he couldn’t judge her, he couldn’t pretend like she didn’t have a point or her feelings were absurd, it didn’t matter if something about what she said felt a little off but. She was engaged to Barry. He wasn’t.

It was different and he knew it.

“It’s okay, I’m okay with the guest room.” Her voice was soft as she turned to pick up her clothes.

“Wait.” Cisco walked around the bed so he could be close to her as he spoke again. “You’re right, it’s different for us, but just like I’ll put a stop to this if I feel weird about this you need to promise me again that you’ll do the same.”

“Cisco --”

“Promise me.” 

“You know I’ll stop it if I need to.” She looked almost angry. “You  _ know _ I will.”

“That doesn’t mean I don’t want a promise since more often than not you don’t tell anyone anything. Look, this is important to me. You’re important to me and I don’t want to hurt you in any way.”

Iris closed her eyes for a moment before leaning forward and kissing Cisco gently. “Okay. I promise.”

 

* * *

 

 

It all changed after Cisco almost died. 

His gauntlets malfunctioned and the next thing he knew he was flying off a building. And he tried to vibe, he tried to pull a vortex to fall into but his hand had been smashed during the fight and the fall was so long. He could hear Iris screaming his name -- and then he was in Wally’s arms. Wally had jumped from the side of the building to catch him, reaching him in time to use the combined momentum to bring them safely to a stop before Wally ran back up to capture the meta.

He could hear Iris on the verge of hysterics and he could hear both Joe trying to calm her down and he could hear his heart beating so fast, so fast he thought he was going to explode because he almost died  _ again _ and Iris was losing it.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he said once he caught his breath and the panic had mostly subsided. “Iris, it’s okay, Wally was here, I’m not in danger anymore.”

She took deep breaths before saying “I have to go.” Then, silence.

Cisco had absolutely no idea what to expect when he got back to his apartment.

“Iris?” he called once he got inside. The rest of the team had done a debriefing and it’d felt so weird without her. She’d taken Barry’s role in the team and without her it felt so similar to how things were when Barry was first lost. 

“Iris?” he called again, moving towards the guest bedroom room after he didn’t get a response. She was standing in front of the bed, staring blankly at the suitcase she’d brought when she essentially moved into Cisco’s apartment. “Hey.” He stood next to her, noting how neatly everything was packed, how all of the material possessions she felt she’d need immediately could be summed up in such a relatively small container.

“I have to go,” she said. But she didn’t move. She kept staring at the suitcase and Cisco couldn’t help but wonder how long she’d been in this empty state.

“Are you sure?”

Iris nodded her head. She didn’t say anymore. The suitcase didn’t move.

“Okay. You do what you need to do, okay?” Iris’s head nodded again. The silence and lack of movement were starting to worry Cisco. He reached out to touch her hand where it lay on one of the sides. She immediately flinched and took a step back. Cisco moved back as well, the pair staring at each other as tears welled up in Iris’s eyes.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry but you almost died and I couldn’t stop thinking of Barry and I can’t be here, I can’t lose someone else. I’ve lost Eddie and I’ve lost Barry and I can’t let myself be open to someone else who could die in a moment.”

Cisco felt a protest bubbling up but it vanished when Iris went back into action and zipped her suitcase up. “Where are you going to go?”

“Home.” He was afraid to ask what that meant. “I’m going home,” she said firmly.

“What does that even mean at this point? You said you didn’t want to stay with Joe.”

“Cisco, I’m going to my home. The home I had with Barry.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” Cisco ran his hands up and down his face. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Iris laughed, a dark bitter sound. “It’s not like you can stop me. That’s where my home is and that’s where I want to be.”

“Right, so you can be alone and shut yourself off even more? Back in that space where we both know his ghost haunts?” This was unbelievable. And Cisco knew once Iris made up her mind there was absolutely no stopping her but? After four months she was going to move back to a place that had barely been touched since Barry went into the Speed Force, a place she could fully lock herself into and lock everyone else out even more than she was doing on a day to day basis?

“I’m already alone!” she yelled. “I’m already alone. Everyone else has someone and my fiance is gone and I’m already alone. And I don’t want to be third in your life.” The tears broke over. “And it’s not fair to you for me to make you second in my life.”

How could someone he wasn’t officially dating shatter his heart so badly? He didn’t think it would even be possible. It was his turn to begin crying as he analysed all the facts she’d placed at his feet.

“You do realize,” he said slowly, “you do realize that all of the other things end here, right?”

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

“Okay then. Does your dad know you’re moving back home?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” The laugh was back. “You think I’m gonna tell my dad that I’m moving back? So what, I can deal with his immediate frustration at me and be in a position where he can try to guilt me into not making this choice? That’s all telling him would do.”

“Why me then? Why tell me other than the fact that we’ve been living together since Barry left?”

“Because I love you,” she said with a laugh. A different laugh, one less acidic. “I love you and I can’t fucking do that right now.”

Cisco closed his eyes. “Okay. I won’t tell anyone. It’ll be up to you.”

“Thank you.” Iris picked up her suitcase. Cisco felt her kiss his cheek. “Thank you for everything.”

He didn’t move again until he could hear the apartment door close behind him.

**Author's Note:**

> credit to Kathryn for inspiring the line about Iris's t-shirt (as first seen in [this tweet](https://twitter.com/portialins/status/869630402578796544)).


End file.
